Domestic Violence National Hotlines..

National Hotlines

National Domestic Violence Hotline
Staffed 24 hours a day by trained counselors who can provide crisis assistance and information about shelters, legal advocacy, health care centers, and counseling.

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TDD)

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network
The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) is the nation's largest anti-sexual assault organization.  Among its programs, RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE and the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline at rainn.org . This nationwide partnership of more than 1,100 local rape crisis centers provides victims of sexual assault with free, confidential services, 24 hours per day, 7 days per week.  These hotlines have helped over 1.3 million people since RAINN's founding in 1994.

1-800-656-HOPE

National Organizations

Family Violence Prevention Fund
383 Rhode Island Street, Suite 304
San Francisco, CA 94103-5133
Phone: 415-252-8900
TTY:800-595-4889
FAX: 415-252-8991
E-mail: info@endabuse.org

Washington, DC Office 
1101 14th Street, NW #300
Washington DC 11005
Phone: 202-682-1212
Fax: 202-682-4662

Boston Office 
67 Newbury Street, Mezzanine Level
Boston, MA 02116
Phone: 617-262-5900
Fax:617-262-5901 

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Main Office:1120
Lincon Street
Suite 1603
Denver, CO 80203
Phone: 303 839 1852
TTY: (303) 839-8459
Fax: (303) 831-9251
E-mail: mainoffice@ncadv.org

Public Policy Office
1633 Q Street NW, Suite 210
Washington, DC 11009
Phone: (202) 745-1211
TTY: (202) 745-2042
Fax: (202) 745-0088
E-mail: publicpolicy@ncadv.org

National Battered Women's Law Project
275 7th Avenue, Suite 1206
New York, NY 10001
Phone: 212-741-9480
FAX: 212-741-6438

Safe Horizons2 Lafayette Street, 3rd Floor
New York, NY 10007
Crime Victims HOTLINE: 800-621-4673
Rape and Sexual Assult & Incest HOTLINE: 212-227-3000
TYY (for all HOTLINES) 866-604-5350
Fax:212-577-3897
E-mail: help@safehorizons.org

Domestic Violence Shelter Tour
2 Lafayette Street 3rd Floor
New York, NY 10007
Phone: 212-577-7700
Fax: 212-385-0331
24-hour hotline: 800-621-HOPE (4673)

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence
6400 Flank Drive, Suite 1300
Harrisburg, PA 17112
Phone: 800-537-2238
Fax: 717-545-9456

Legal Office:
Phone: 717-545-6400
TOLL FREE: 800-932-4632
TTY:800-533-2508
Fax: 717-671-5542

National Resourse Center on Domestic Violence
Phone: 800-537-2238
TTY:888-Rx-ABUSE; 800- 595 -4889
Fax: 717-545-9456

Health Resource Center on Domestic Violence
Family Violence Prevention Fund
383 Rhode Island Street, Suite 304
San Francisco, CA 94103-5133
Phone: 800-313-1310
FAX: 415-252-8991

Battered Women's Justice Project
Minnesota Program Development, Inc
1801 Nicollet Ave, Suite 102
Minneapolis, MN 55403
Phone: 800-903-0111, ext.1
Phone: 612-824-8768
Fax: 612-824-8965

Resource Center on Domestic Violence, Child Protection, and Custody
NCJFCJ
P.O. Box 8970
Reno, NV 89507
Office: 775-784-6012
Phone: 800-527-3223
Fax: 775-784-6628
Email: staff@ncjfcj.org 
They are only a resource center for professionals and agencies.

Battered Women's Justice Project
c/o National Clearinghouse for the Defense of Battered Women
125 South 9th Street, Suite 302
Philadelphia, PA 19107
TOLL-FREE: 800-903-0111 ext. 3
Phone: 215-351-0010
FAX: 215-351-0779
National Clearinghouse is a national resource and advocacy center providing assistance to women defendants, their defense attorneys, and other members of their defense teams in an effort to insure justice for battered women charged with crimes.

National Clearinghouse on Marital and Date Rape
2325 Oak Street
Berkeley, CA 94708
Phone: 510-524-1582

Faith Trust Institute
(Formerly Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence)
2400 N. 45th Street #10
Seattle , WA 98103
Phone: 206-634-1903, ext. 10
Fax: 206-634-0115
Email: info@faithtrustinstitute.org 

National Network to End Domestic Violence
1101 S Street NW, Suite 400
Washington, DC 11009
Phone: 202-543-5566
HOTLINE:800-799-SAFE (7233)
TTY: 800-787-3224
FAX: 202-543-5626

Other Helpful Sites:

Womenspace National Network to End Violence Against Immigrant Women1212 Stuyvesant Ave.
Trenton, NJ 08618
Phone: 609-394-0136
24 Hour Mercer County Hotline: 609-394-9000
Fax:609-396-1093
Email: info@womenspace.org

Counselling&Support Services
1860 Brunswick Ave.
Lawrenceville, NJ 086448
Phone: 609-394-2532

It's Tattoo Time,

     Last year I told my self that once my divorce was finial I will be getting a tattoo that represents me, my struggle i went through and how I feel today. Well, tomorrow is the day I go down to have it done. I'm excited to get this tattoo, it will be the one tattoo that means the most to me. Its going to show that I survived, that I made it through one of the most dark and difficult times in my life. I am not ashamed to say that I am a domestic violence survivor,  I want to help others, and when someone asked what the meaning behind the tattoo is, I will tell them, and you never know, maybe just maybe I will be able to help some one.

1 in 4..

NO MEANS NO!!

Men get abused too..

Remember that men get abused too...and may be even more ashamed to admit it. 

What comes around, goes around...

Here is a better view of the abuse wheel, this breaks it down for you so we can understand it a lot better. 

Tension- Building Phase, My ex, was always moody, and yelling, he also drank, I being the victim, always tried to keep the kids quiet, tried to be as nice as I could be,made sure his dinner was ready on time, put a smile on my face while I walked on egg shells, knowing what was going to come next....

Explosion Phase..

My ex husbands weapon of choice was a gun, he loved to bring that out, my ex husband also raped me, you may not think that your husband can rape you but when you say no it means no, doesn't matter if its a friend, boyfriend or husband! I always tried to protect my children, I never tried to fight back because I knew I couldn't win. 

Honeymoon Phase..

We all know this phase, the " I'm Sorry", "It will never happen again". Yep, I heard this so many times,I dont even have enough fingers and toes to count them with. He would always send me a text message telling me he was sorry and it would never happen again, not once did it come out of his mouth that he was sorry, I never heard it. But yet I stayed, i know it was going to come around again, it always did, either that week, the next week and if I was lucky things were good for a month, but it always, always went back to the Explosion Phase. 

One of my first memories...

Its amazing how something so small can make you remember something that you thought you had forgotten, I remember the first time my ex husband ever hit me. 

We had just got home and he was mad, so he picked my son up by his feet and went to hit him when I stepped in and took him out of his hands, my ex slapped me across the face so hard my glasses went to the other side of the room. I was in shock, I didn't know what to do. He left the house and I called his mother and she and his father came over, told me how he wasn't raised that way and didn't know what would make him do such a thing. Of course his story was that I hit him and that's why he slapped me. There were little things after that, like throwing a cat on my back as I sat on the floor, or throwing objects at me when I wasn't looking. but yet I stayed, why was a I so stupid to stay, I cant even answer that question correctly, I loved him,I truly did, and I would have done anything for him. I could have left him, I mean I had a job and the place he moved in to was mine, but yet I didn't kick him out, Why?! Im sure we have all asked our self the same question over and over again, and we have yet to come up with a decent answer. I get asked all the time why did I stay, what people don't understand, that's never been through that has no idea what goes on in our head, what power our abuser has over us, its not as easy to leave like some people think it is. 

Starting over..

I have lost the password to my other blog so I had to restart it over, I was able to transfer all my post so they didn't get lost. I will be keeping up with this blog to do what I started with and that is to spread the word on Domestic Violence, to let others know they are not alone. 

 Its been one year since I have been divorces and I couldn't be happier. Even though we had to move, and I had to get a new car it was all worth it. I have me a wonderful man who supports me in my decisions, who loves my children like his own, who treats me with respect. He knows what I went through over the past 13 years. He knows that I still struggle with the aftermath of what I was put through. My children are happy, and they don't see their father very often, it has gotten to the point that they don't even ask if he is going to see them this weekend. They know who is there for them and who isn't. 

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a beautiful Butterfly

Friday, August 9, 2013

It's all over, as of today I am officially DIVORCED!

Was supposed to happen until next week, but he agreed to  my terms and instead of going for contempt of court, we went ahead and settled today. I feel so much relief, I cried, I cried because I was happy, I cried because I felt like a failure, but then like my lawyer said when she hugged me, I tried for 13 years to make it work, I didn't ask for him to rape me and I didn't ask for him to control my life, I didn't ask for him to abuse our children but he did. This is the first day of a new life for me. It's like I have been reborn and seeing the world for the first time. I am at peace, I am happy, and I will continue to live my life the way I want to live it!

It Will Be Final...

Friday, July 5, 2013

I cant believe I haven't posted this yet, but my divorce will be final August 13th. I cant believe it, its been one heck of a year fighting for my self and my children. The judge said it should have been done a long time ago, but since he was fighting for custody it dragged us out. But the kicker is after all this time him fighting for custody and the judge giving him week long visitation every other week, he dropped his custody case and no longer wants them. What an ASS! His excuse was that he didn't have the room for them, and that his mother didn't want to watch them while he worked. Oh well, just shows you what kind of people they are..So he hasn't got them for visitation, and he still only sees them an hour when he feels like it. That's ok, because I plan on leaving this state once everything is final, I cant wait. It will be a healing process for my self and the children. I got a new job a new car and my divorce will be final, just when I was about to give up things started looking up for me, I couldn't be happier!!

I am Devastated!!

Friday, June 7, 2013

Where to start..Had court this morning was only supposed to last 15 mins, it lasted about and hour and a half. We went in there because what we though was going to be the contempt charge, was not.. They scheduled his counter claim that's what we went for. I came out of there crying my eyes out.. So here it goes... 

    His lawyer tried to say he couldn't afford the house, car and pay child support that sometimes he only brings home 3$ a week when he works..The Judge made me choose between the car or the house. I told him the car because I could move, but I needed the car to get the kids where they need to go and I needed to get to work. The Judge ordered my ex to keep paying the house payment and to get it caught up. Judge ordered that he have every other week with the children, my girls will be with their father who hasn't spent any time with them but an hour maybe every other weekend, since last March. A man who was never around to help out when they were growing up. I was there every single day with them 24/7 since their birth. I cried..I didn't want this at all, His mother sat there huffing and puffing slapping her leg because she doesn't have room to keep them at her house, this was her words not mine. My car will be repoed, however he is ordered to give me 2000 to put down on another car and I make those payments. If he doesn't he has to give me his truck to drive. Judge asked me if it was OK that he took the 2000 out of his 401k I said that was fine. The car will be in my name I will be responsible for the payment taxes and tags that way he can not come and take the tags like he did before. I told the judge I did not want him to have the kids for a whole week because he was abusive to them and it is in my statement and my mothers statement because she saw it. his lawyer fought that and I lost, he gets them every other week, The girls said they do not want to go at all..he has a couple days to get the 2000$ up because I work. oh and they dropped his child support, so the only thing he pays is the house payment. That's it!! And its so far behind there is no way he will ever be able to catch it up. 

Pissed Off!!

Sunday, June 2, 2013

So I worked Friday night didn't get off until 1:30, I wasn't driving my car a friend was because we switched. Well Saturday I worked got off at 5 came home to relax when my mom went out with her friend who had my car. They call me about 1 am and tell me the tag on my car was gone, someone took it.. Of course I already knew who did, but I called the police to report it, and officer called me back and told me that my husband took the tag off of my car because he said I was driving with out insurance and his lic was going to be suspended. I told the office I was looking at my insurance papers right then, and that the judge ordered me the car not him. I said he was supposed to be making payment that I have all the paper work. The officer was like he didn't know that that Brandon told him it was his car and the officer told him he could take the whole car if he wanted to, the officer was like you was at the bar last night, I was like no I wasn't I was at work, he kept going on and on about me in the bar, So I told him I have the video tape from the bar that proves I wasn't in there. Well, I send Brandon a text and tell him he can not see the kids to day unless I get my tag back, his response I don't know what you are talking about.. So I told him that he knows excatelly what I am talking about, that he lied to the police officer and that he took my tag, I went on to say if I do not get it back by the end of the day, I will get him for theft because I have all the paper work and court papers..He never responded again. 

Now here I am with a car, insurance and all that but no tag, I cant get to work or the kids get to school because of it, resulting in me losing my job, and the kids missing all the fun from the last week of school, not to mention I cant get to my lawyers Wednesday or court friday..he is a real piece of work and I hope he gets busted and in jail!

Court Date Is Set..

Saturday, June 1, 2013

We have a court date set for his contempt charge, June 7th at 9am..I hope he gets something!!! We also go to court June 14th for a pre-trial hearing so the judge can find out what's taking so long. Wish me tons of luck please!

Enough is Enough!!

Saturday, May 11, 2013

I have had it, You put a fire under me that wont go out until I see some justice served! So as I said in a earlier post my car was going to be repoed. well Monday after I got home from work there was a letter from the bank, I didn't think anything about it so I opened it up, only to find out it wasn't addressed to me but to him. It was from the bank saying he is so far behind on payments they are going to foreclose on the house June 1st unless he gets the payments up to date. Now my ex was court ordered to pay the house payment and the car payment and child support. Only reason he pays the support is because it comes out of his check. Now back in April my lawyer told me to send him a text message telling him that if he doesn't pay the car payment she was going to get him for contempt. He never replied. As soon as I got the letter from the bank, I called her, she called me back next day. Asked if the car was already repoed. I told her no it was hidden at the moment. She said they was writing up a letter to send to his lawyer stating he  has until next week to get both the house and the car payments up to date or he will get charged with 2 counts of contempt of court. This made me happy to hear. Only now I have his mother harassing me. Because the grass wasn't cut they sent someone out to take pictures of it.  So i cut the grass yesterday, my dad came over and cut the back yard for me today. As I was leaving the house this evening to take my mom some where who the hell do you think I saw driving by my house, non other than my ex mother in law. Yep I saw her and she saw me. I tell you what I never seen someone leave the subdivision so fast because I got in my car to follow her and she was no where to be found. So for those of you who read this blog, can I get her for stalking/harassment? I know she was pretty shocked that she was caught, and I'm glad she was.

On a good note, I got a job I started it Monday  its for a company that works for BMW. I was so  happy and relieved. Cant wait to start getting pay checks again :)

Seriously Want to Give Up...

Friday, April 26, 2013

I just don't know what to do anymore, I have had interview after interview, yet no call backs, even for serving jobs. what is wrong with me that I cant even get a job as a server?! I'm about to lose everything, my power will be cut off soon, still waiting on them to come and get my car. Everyone keeps telling me to wait it out things will get better, to be happy I got out when I did, but heck every day I wonder to my self did I make the right decision. Should I just stayed and let the things he was doing continue I wouldn't be in this situation?  Its  been over a year now and still waiting on my divorce to be final, we go back to court in June, but what will happen then when they find out I cant support my children because I cant find a job?

I am depressed, I want to end it all, but I know my children would not be taken care of. But how do I keep holding on when I have never left in me to fight?

Update..

Sunday, April 14, 2013

    Well, here is a little update for you all that are following my blog. When we went to court last year for our first divorce hearing, the judge ordered my ex to pay for the car and the house. Well last week I get a call saying they want to come and repo my car, because the payments haven't been made in over 2 months. REALLY!!! 2 months, and I'm going to lose my car! He knows this is the only vehicle I have to get the kids back and forth to where they need to be. So I call my lawyer and tell her what is going on, She told me she will be getting him for contempt of court because he isn't following the orders by the judge. I cant help but to smile a bit in side knowing that finally he will get what is coming to him for something. So I have to wonder if he isn't paying the car payment is he paying the house payment??

I'm still dealing with the aftermath of Emotional Abuse..

One Year Ago Today....

Saturday, March 23, 2013

I made the biggest decision of my life. March 23rd 2012 was the day that my ex received the protection order I filed on him. This time last year I was doing the same thing I am now..sitting on the couch while my children sleep wondering if he was going to show back up. I did not sleep at all that night, I as so worried, my best friend came over and we parked my car in the back yard put a lock on the gate and made sure all the doors and windows were locked so he couldn't get in. 

 I never, ever thought I would have made it a year with out going back to him. I had so many thoughts run through my mind, like how was I going to support my kids, how was I going to pay the bills, how was I going to deal with the loneliness. I spent 13 years with this man, the first night wasn't to bad, to be honest I was used to him not being around, he was always working or at the bar or with his friends. But days turned in to weeks and weeks turned in to months, and months turned in to my one year anniversary. 

I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for my friends and family I would have went back to him. I thought that maybe he changed knowing I was serious I was about leaving him. The things he would say to me I thought that maybe he did learn his lesson and he does really love me. But then I remembered everything he did to me and everything he ever did  to my children and I  knew I would never, ever take him back. I would have lived lonely, and struggling to support my family than to take him  back and deal with the controlling  the mental and emotional abuse, and dealing with the nightly rapes. I knew if I didn't do something when I did, I would not have been here to write this post. I would have been gone either by my hand or his. For the first time in a very long time I can say I am proud of what I did with my life. I am happy, I am in love, I have my children and they are happy. and I know that because we have been separated for a year and we have already started the divorce last year that within the next couple of months I will be free of him. My divorce will be final!

It's Been Awhile..

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Sorry its been awhile since I posted just dealing with every day life things. one good thing is my ex got busted by the IRS when he claimed the kids that he didn't have last year..So when I went to file this year they told me I couldn't claim my children because he did, even though I had court papers proving they are with me and not him. I did this back on February 1st. well Saturday the tax place called and said I had a check. I couldn't believe it, I finally busted him for something. I couldn't help but to smile in side a little bit. You have no idea what it was like to finally be able to go grocery shopping and get food! 

I am counting down the days until my 1 year separation anniversary date and its this Saturday!!

Ever Wish You Could Just Escape?

Monday, March 11, 2013

To a world where everything is perfect, you get the job you want all the money you need to do with as you please, no one is there to hurt you. Its just perfect, and then you wake up and realize there is no such place. No matter how hard we seem to work at something we just get knocked back down. we get up take a step and get knocked back two steps. I honestly don't know what I am doing anymore. I want to give up so bad, but I know I have to fight, fight for my life, fight for my children, fight to be free and happy. Right now I feel like I'm  drowning in a sea, and cant get my head above water to even catch one breath. 

So Stressed Out..

Saturday, March 9, 2013

I have completely given up all hope that anything would go good for  me in my life. I cant finish my divorce because my trust fund for my lawyer is completely gone, I need another 2500, to finish up my divorce and it would be over with in the  next couple months because she is finalizing it now. I will never get rid of him because I cant afford to finish it up. I have been putting in applications all week an no calls for a job, bills are pilling up and I cant afford to feed the children. I am pretty sure I am on the verge of a complete mental break down. My mind if going nonstop I cant eat or sleep, and when I do sleep I do not want to get out of the bed. I just lay here with no energy what so ever. My life is falling apart and I don't know how to stop it. I have prayed and prayed that work would change their minds and call me back, but my prayers are going un answered, I have lost all faith that things will work their selves out, I have lost all hope in my self.

Cant Catch a Break...

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

So I was so excited to be going back to work, only to work for a week and be fired!! Yep you read that right, here is what happened.. So the night I got back to work everyone was excited to see me, I didnt know I was so missed, I went back to through some training, and then off to a refresher course in PIT class so I would be able to drive the forklifts again. Did all that, got my truck and road around pulling pallets for the night, shift was over and I went to park my truck when I came across a guy who pulls my battery plug  making my truck stop as I was driving, no big deal I let it slide that time, but 2 days later he did it again while I was driving making my PC come to a complete stop, this time it pissed me off, so I told the guy who I happen to be seeing, who happens to be my boss, on break that if he does it again I was going to punch him in the face. He said he would handle it so after we got back from break our main boss came to me and asked me what was going on so I told him. Well they talked to this other guy too and he said I have been doing it to him since I came back, which is a LIE!! I was so mad that night, we both ended up getting wrote up for hours playing even though I did nothing. My "boss" was mad well Thursday the Safety guy came to us wanting a statement so I gave one, he gave one and a witness that saw him do it gave one. And wouldn't you know when I went to work on Monday I worked for like an hour when they came to get me to tell me I have been fired because of it. What the hell, I asked them why was I getting fired when I did nothing wrong. He told me they tried to fight for me but it was out of their hands. I was so upset, I sat there and cried and cried, when "my Boss" came out for break and saw me so upset he know what happened and he was pissed, he said him and the main boss was fighting to get me back, and then he hugs me and tells me everything will be ok, I told him I'm sorry he has to see me this way, but I'm at a loss, I have officially cracked. I told him I knew what I wanted to do, I wanted to go home and cut (  being a recovering cutter I haven't done it in a long time) But that night I wanted to so  bad, When he grabs my jacket and tells me to look him in the eyes, so I did , when he goes on to tell me that  he cares deeply for me and he doesn't want me doing anything that would hurt my self, then he told me something I thought I would never hear again,. He said he Loves Me, Me can you believe that, later on that night he said he was wanting to wait until we had some quality time together, but he knew I needed to hear those words from him that night. I never thought I would ever find love again, I sure want looking for it when I went back to work last year, but little did I know it was right in front of me. We took things slow, Started talking in September when I started working, exchanged numbers in January, talked every day since, even when I was laid off, didn't have our first date until February, and didn't say I love you until March, I went up to see him last night for break and just sat there and had one of those cries where you cant catch your breath, been awhile for that since I have learned to bury and hide my emotions I just couldn't help it, everything was going so well and I get knocked down again. I just cant seem to catch a break. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost....

Triggers...

Saturday, March 2, 2013

So the other night after work I was talking to a special person when a comment was made that set off a trigger from something my ex used to do. I could honestly feel my self going back in to my shell and hiding my feeling, I just sat there and stared out the car window, while this person rubbed my knee and told me everything was going to be OK, that I had them now and they would never do anything like that to ever hurt me. They went on to say they were mad that someone would treat someone so kind and caring as I am. It was nice to hear those kind words because I never heard them before. It sucks that any little comment, smell or sound can set off a trigger that makes you think you are right back in the situation you tried so hard to forget about. I know it will be awhile before I will forget about it completely, but then again I may never forget. Life throws us curve balls to see how we can handle the stress, I was glad I didn't break down and cry and I had someone there that cares about me to help me through it. 

I Fight Like A Girl...

Weekends are Lonely..

Friday, February 22, 2013

Since I have been separated and lost my job the weekends for me have been so lonely. No one comes to visit me and everyone else seems to be out enjoying life. I don't know why it bothers me so much because he was never home on the weekends so it wasn't like we did anything, and when we did we always fought. So why does it bother me now? I can remember a weekend very clear that my daughter was on the special needs cheer squad and had a huge national championship 2 hours away. We were so excited for it, that we went down and stayed the night because it was a 2 night event. My mom and dad went with me so I wouldn't be alone with all the kids, He stayed behind because he said he has to work. Little did I know he took the weekend off, so instead of coming down to see his daughter cheer and get 2nd place in the  nationals, he sat here at home. This was a huge event because my daughter doesn't get to be included in to to much with her being disabled,I sat there and cheered her on like any proud mother would do. It got late on Sunday when my mom and dad decided to take my other 2 back home so they could go to bed because they still had school the next day. My mother called up my ex and explained to him that the kids were coming home and they were going to drop them off early so they could get some sleep, when he responded with No you keep those fu*cking kids. I was floored, really and you call your self a father, who says that about their kids? I would have been more than happy to take them back so they could have gotten some sleep. What was he doing that was so important that he couldn't watch the kids while they slept? It was after 11pm before I finally got to leave to make the trip back home, you would think 2 hours wasn't a long drive  but when you have been up all day and the excitement was wearing off you get a bit sleepy driving by your self. So here I'm driving by my self, having to stop an extra 45 mins out of my way to pick up my other two who were already asleep on the couch at my parents house. Come home and carry them one by one in to the house because he still wouldn't help. Needless to say I was mad and tired, not a good combination to be, esp when you have someone yelling at you about why he didn't want to keep the kids. Supposedly he was cleaning, really, cleaning..Please explain to me why you couldn't watch them because umm HELLO I clean and watch the kids every day what makes you so different? This was just one of the many times he didn't want anything to do with the children, I cant remember any time he did anything with them, yet tells the courts he is the better parent to raise them. I will fight every single day to make sure that does not happen.

Sharing Some Good News!

Friday, February 22, 2013

I just wanted to share some good news with my followers, On January 8th I got laid off from my job at Amazon, I got laid off one week before I was due in court, needless to say I was worried and extremely upset that I lost my job when I needed it the most. I found another job last week, the pay wasn't good at all and the hours were really long, I did everything the drug test to get hired on talked with HR, and still I waited. Well today I get a call from Amazon, asking if I wanted to come back to work, well you can guess I was so happy I screamed YES, I would love to! I needed this job, the pay is more and the hours are perfect for me and my babysitter, Sunday - Thursday. I'm so happy now that I will be able to pay my bills, and buy food!! The little things you don't think you would miss when you have no money, you sure do miss them! So as of Sunday I will be employed once again by Amazon, this time I hope it is for good. I'm just so happy that for once I'm crying not because I'm sad, but because I'm thankful.

Karma? Do you even EXIST?

Monday, February 18, 2013

This quote is perfect and so true, I often wonder if karma will ever reach my ex. I believe in what comes around goes around but it sure is taking awhile to get there. Would be nice if he walked in to a dark alley and had done to him what he did to me all those years, but I know it will never happen. All the lies he has said in court and on his affidavits is bound to come back to him right?! I just cant wait until the judge orders this divorce to be final, all the fighting and battling to get my life back has just wore me out, the stress is slowly killing me and that is what he wants, but I have to keep fighting through it all and show him he hasnt got the best of me because the best is yet to come!

Will I forget?

Thursday, February 14, 2013

I don't know about you but I will never forget what my ex said to me or how he made me feel. Every time he called me a bitch I will remember, every time he told me I was nothing and would be nothing with out him I will remember. Every time he told the kids to sit their ass down or get the fuck up stairs I will remember. Maybe in time it will go away slowly, I can only hope but for now I remember it all.

Valentine's Day..Blah

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Here it is another Valentine's day, and you know this year it doesn't bother me at all. The whole time I was with my ex I never got anything so I guess that's why it didn't bother me as much. Anyways, why take one day to show the person you love that you love them, why not do it every day of the year?  I know one day I will get that love I deserve every day of the year. But for now I will focus on my self and my children, we will be happy I will make sure of that. 

Something Old..

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

The other day I was cleaning up trying to find places to put things, when I opened up my curio cabinet and there looking me in the face was all my wedding stuff. My cake topper, wine glasses, bubbles, our serving set, napkins, ring pillow and a photo album containing our marriage licenses and wedding pictures. And I thought to my self do i really want to get rid of this stuff? It has been in there for 10 years will I be able to part with it, throw it away? Believe me I wanted to, but instead I took it all out and packed it in a box and labeled it " Wedding Stuff, Do Not Open" I figured I would keep it packed away and out of this house maybe one of our daughters would want to use it, I don't know that's what I thought at the time. Among this stuff I had a candle that was made for us, had each of our names on it with a year 2001, I said to my self, you know what Im just going to throw this away, and then it hit me, BURN IT! and this is what I did, I lit that candle and watched it burn, like the flame in our marriage was slowly burning away away, and as I sat and watched it I had a calming peace come over me. This was a step I needed to do. 

The candle is still burning I just lit it again, and I will continue to light it and watch it burn until the whole things is gone; and when it is done burning I plan to smash it and throw it away. I have so  much anger towards this man that maybe this will help to release it some. I know it sounds crazy but I have it in  my mind that this is what I need to do. 

This is the first step of many to come, and I can only hope it will get better from here on out!

The Cycle of Violence

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

 This is the wheel my good friend Becky showed me, thanks love! I still say you saved my life. My husband did every one of these, he especially loved using the children against me. He always told me I would be nothing with out him and I would have nothing, he would get the house my car and the kids. My husband would never allow me to lose weight or cut my hair, he would never allow me to color it red. As soon as I left him I cut my hair and I colored it red, so for the first time he saw me in court after our separation I showed him he wasn't going to control me any more. 

Another thing my husband used to do was keep money from me, I was never allowed to have money, if we went to the store and I needed shampoo if I didn't have my own money I didn't get it, but he always got what ever he wanted. Any money I got for my birthday or anything I spent it on my child I would save it for Christmas because he would never buy them gifts. 

My husband used to keep a tracker on my phone, I never knew about it until I looked down one day at my screen and it said it was checking my location. When I confronted him about it, he told me he did it because he was worried. Really, worried huh?! He knew where I was every second of every hour of every day. 

Another sign I knew want right but chose to ignore it any ways, was his suicide  threats. I cant even began to tell you how many times I had to talk him out from having a gun against his head, or a blade against his wrist. It was exhausting, everyday I never knew when he was going to snap, one minute everything could be completely fine the next he was yelling or punching things. 

My husband knew I was terrified of guns, so his game of choice was to stand at the end of the bed during the night while I was asleep and click his gun, do you have any idea what it is like to wake up in complete darkness hearing a gun clicking?! I could be sitting in the living room and him in the bedroom and I would see the laser pointer from him gun on my chest, I never knew if he was going to shoot or just playing around like he does. Thanks to a text message I saved on my phone of him saying he would shoot me if he ever saw me with someone else, I was able to get my protection order. And would you believe he sat in front of the judge and said he didn't send any text like that.   Thank goodness the judge asked me if there was anything else I had to say and i was able to get up and show the text. Once a liar always a liar I say!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!!

This was my song last year, It seemed to always play when I had to go do something where I needed to be strong. When I went to Safe Harbor for the first time it played, When I went to court for the Protection Order it was playing. It gave me strength, and as I sat and listened to the words more and more I realized it was a song about my life, When she says 

You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone

I must admit I finally felt safe to sleep at night because I knew for the first time I wouldn't be raped by my own husband. Wow saying that for the world to hear is strange, its almost like a weight has lifted off my shoulders. The truth is coming out, and I have so much more to say about it. Today is not the day, I have to get more comfortable to talk about the things he has done. 

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking about me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end...

I am finally thinking about me, this is my beginning my time to shine, my time to do what I want when I want with out someone telling me what I can and cant do! But I must admit, I'm still afraid, afraid to do what i want when I want. I know he is out there still watching my every move. I still have my guard up last time I let it down one of my children slammed the bedroom door and I just knew he was here, because that's something he used to do. I just stood there paralyzed with fear, once I knew he really wasn't here I broke down and cried. I know it will take time for the fear to go away, and I know once that happens, I will be re leaved and happy once more. I just want to thank some good friends that let me vent and understand what it is I'm going through, You all know who you are.. I love you and I am so very thankful you all are in my life.

Start of a New Life.

Monday, February 11, 2013

I started this blog to let people know they are not alone in the fight against Domestic Violence. I suffered 13 years of abuse from my former Husband. It wasn't until the help of a really special friend did I realize just what he was doing. It took her showing me the wheel of abuse for me to open my eyes and say " OMG That's my Husband". It has been one long hard struggle from day to day trying to survive with my children. To make sure they are safe, they have a roof over their heads and food in the tummies. I thought I was so alone, and still feel alone in all this, but I know I'm not, its just a feeling. I hope this blog will help others as I was helped. Some post will be funny, some will be shocking, some I just need to cuss and vent it out. This is a place for healing, for my self and hopefully for others.

Staring Over..

I have lost my password to my other blog so I will be starting this one over, I will still have all my post and will me adding new ones a lot more than before. Hope you enjoy this blog!